Tag: Humor

The Clock Thickens

On By Charli ReneeIn Uncategorized2 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What’s a conspiracy theory you actually find believable?
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Oh, this is an easy one, and by the time you finish reading, you’ll be convinced too. Hear me out. Or rather, read me out.

You see, I am convinced that employers and calendar companies secretly remove several hours from every weekend and redistribute them across Monday through Thursday.

Most of the stolen time is given to Mondays. The clock moves slower. We feel those extra Monday hours in our bones. Our bodies sense the conspiracy, even when we cannot prove it. In fact, this is why Sunday evening brings the blues. We know what they have done, and of course, the lamenting begins.

Every Sunday afternoon, I set out to prove the missing hours. It seems to happen between noon and 7 p.m. I have set alarms to go off every hour, and then I count each one. Unfortunately, I have not been able to prove anything. But maybe my alarm is in on the conspiracy. Maybe the clocks have been fiddled with. All of them.

The proverbial “they” are out to make us work more hours without us knowing it. But I know, and dang it, so should you.

Have you ever noticed how Monday through Thursday seems to get shorter as the week progresses? However, I am suspicious of Wednesday. They wait until we get used to our workweek, then BAM, they throw a few extra hours into Wednesday.

Sneaky jerks!

Listen, every weekend I wake up early to ensure I have more waking hours. But it matters not. Time slips by at the speed of light.

I make my yummy yogurt concoction. It is filled with strawberries, blueberries, banana, pineapple, chia seeds, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds… sometimes walnuts. Oh, and…

Sorry. Where was I?

Oh yes, coffee made, a bowl of yummy sunshine and a good book in hand. I start reading, and within minutes, I am lost in the glorious moment. Then I look up, and hours have vanished. I kid you not. I have looked everywhere, and that elusive time is nowhere to be found.

Wipes tears.

This is so disheartening. How can they do this to us? We need to start a revolution, for crying out loud. How can they sleep at night?

Well, they probably use their extra hours to rest.

Ugh.

Attention, time thieves. We see you, and your time is running out.

Now You Have Witnesses

On By Charli ReneeIn Uncategorized2 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What’s something most people don’t understand?
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Something most people don’t understand?
That humor doesn’t follow the rules…
it shows up when you’re supposed to be behaving.

Ok, most know and understand all too well.

Being quick to speak isn’t always a win…
especially when you haven’t even processed the question yet.

A question pops up in a group chat, you answer fast…
and somehow your brain skips the part where it makes sense.

Now you’ve said something ridiculous…
in front of everyone.

Now you have witnesses.

The prize? A humbling experience. Rut roh.

I Can Tell What You’re Thinking… Right? Of Course. I Know.

On By Charli ReneeIn Uncategorized10 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What’s a secret skill or ability you have or wish you had?
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I can always tell when I have figured it all out.

Every reason and motive reveals itself to me quickly, almost effortlessly. It has always been with me.

I know what the problem is.

And more importantly, I know how to fix it.

My loved ones know this about me. It is not exactly a secret in my circles.

I notice what happens when I start in. They roll their eyes. Not always big, dramatic ones, but enough. Enough to say, here she goes again. The wanna-be fixer. The one who thinks she can piece it all together and solve it.

They don’t have to say it. I can see it.

I continue anyway.

Because once I have it, once the pieces fall into place, it would be irresponsible not to share it, right? Of course it is. I know. The conclusions arrive right on time. It’s all there.

You just have to know how to look.

Recently, my granddaughter was telling me all about her dilemma. Before she finished her first sentence, I interrupted her, asking questions. Have you tried this? What about that? She sighed and said, “Mimi, please let me finish.” Oh, of course.

Carry on.

After all, I need all the data before I dive into the rabbit hole.

That’s the thing about this skill. It doesn’t travel alone.

Usually, just when my cape-worthy skillset kicks in, another one steps right up beside it.

My friends grrrr at this one.

But I know it’s what they need.

Because once I’ve taken something apart, I can’t seem to leave it there.

I have to find the better version of it.

The piece that makes it feel… not so heavy.

Sometimes, I’m just telling them what they already know…as if it’s brand new

The silver lining.

And yes, I’m fairly certain I can read their minds.

The growl confirms it.

Which is helpful, because I can fix that, too.

My Existential Animal Identity Crisis

On By Charli ReneeIn Uncategorized5 Comments
Daily writing prompt
Which animal would you compare yourself to and why?
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This is easy.

I’m a lion, because I love to just be…

Lion interrupts.

“Are you serious? Lions are predators extraordinaire. Need I say more?”

Okay, okay. Ease up with the RAWR.

Alright, I’ve got it. I’m a turtle because I like to go slow and steady…

Turtle interrupts.

“Are you serious? Your thoughts fly at the speed of light.”

Okay, sheesh. That doesn’t mean I can’t slow down.

Turtle rolls his eyes and moseys slowly down the road.

Fine.

I know what I am. I’m an elephant. I’m loyal and I love my family.

Elephant interrupts.

“Are you serious? You like your alone time too much. But you can come play with us anytime you want.”

We giggle and set a future date.

Oh wait. I know.

I’m a horse. I have a long horse head and a free spirit.

Horse interrupts.

“Are you serious? You’re far too clumsy to be a horse.”

Well… maybe.

Then suddenly an otter pops up out of the water, floating on his back.

“I bet I know what you’re going to say next,” he chuckles.

“Oh?” I say.

“You think you’re an otter because we’re playful.”

Actually… yes.

The otter laughs.

“Are you serious? You analyze fun before you have it.”

Well. That seems unnecessarily accurate.

I sit down, discouraged.

I’m not strong enough to be a lion. Not slow enough to be a turtle. Too solitary to be a cool elephant. Too clumsy to be a horse. Too serious to be an otter.

Lion pffts from the side. Nothing is as cool as a lion.

The otter floats over and gives my shoulder a small splash.

“Hey,” he says. “You’re still invited to play.”

I smile a little, but I’m still not convinced.

So what am I?

Just then, a wise owl looks down from the tree and interrupts.

“You may not be as strong as a lion, but you do have fierce moments. You may not be as majestic as a horse, but sometimes you are a sight to behold. You may not move as slowly and methodically as a turtle, but you flow in your own beautiful way.”

“You, my silly friend, are trying to be things you can never be. Why not be the kind of animal that has its own coolness?”

I sit up, excited with anticipation.

Will he say I’m a dog? A fox?

The owl looks at me calmly.

“You are an animal like us,” he says.

Then he tilts his head.

“But you are the human kind.”

I nod thoughtfully.

Feeling rather enlightened, I turn to head home.

On the way, I trip over a thick patch of air.

Yep. Definitely human.

Aging Makes Scents

On By Charli ReneeIn Uncategorized2 Comments
Daily writing prompt
Write a letter to your 100-year-old self.
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Sniff, sniff.

Dear 100-Year-Old Me,

Well, look at you. One hundred years old. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. You’ve always been stubborn.

Persistent, you’d probably say.

Fine. Persistent.

Gosh, by now you’ve probably outlived most of our loves. I can’t imagine that sting. I was about to say I couldn’t do it…

You figure it out, you say. Same way you figure out most things. One awkward step at a time.

That sounds about right.

You want a hug from your younger self?

Of course.

What, I stink?

Sniff.

…Oh.

Oh my goodness, you’re right.

Relax, you say. You smell like someone still in the middle of living.

Well if that’s the case, why don’t you smell rank?

Oh, I do, you say. I just call it vintage.

Fair enough.

Tell me something. Are you still lucid, or are you a wee short of a full deck?

Young’un, you say, we never had a full deck.

That’s true. I’m pretty sure we lost most of the cards somewhere around forty years ago.

Maybe, you say. But we kept the funny ones.

Before I forget, any advice?

Yeah, you say. Don’t stop writing. Turns out it’s still our lifeline… and the only place we ever made any sense.

You know… that actually explains a lot.

Besides, you add, someone had to keep track of our nonsense.

Good. I was worried we’d forget the best parts.